meretal

on fear | musing

In musing on 9 April 2011 at 3:04 pm

(and other saturday afternoon tragedies)

From Alain de Botton, earlier today:

Those who go on to be proper writers are those who can forgive themselves the horrors of the first draft.

The problem, I have discovered, is not my inability to detach from social media, from cell phone media, from connectedness.

My problem, today, is me.

I have come to the impenetrable that has built up inside me before, the wall that says no—flat out.

It’s why Facebook, why Twitter, why whatever you meander past on the Internet is so consuming—it involves no fear. There is no fear in impersonality, no fear in other people’s lives, no fear in avoiding yours.

The crippling fear that makes you want to cut your wrists, really, for fear that you you will never really do anything in your life. Whether it’s pondering on Facebook, or life in a cubicle, the heart of the problem is that you will be detached forever. Absolutely and forever.

This, to me (& for me), is completely crippling, and completely deafening. If I can’t open up the wall, then how will I be able to speak? Who am I? What is in me?

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